Monday ramblings

I had the most amazing dream last night. It involved visiting my dissertation director and her partner at a very ritzy NY penthouse. To my great surprise, they had children! Three of them, in fact. (Since in real life my dd is about 20 years older than me and quite determinedly childless, this was a big surprise.) (She doesn't live in NYC, either.) The kids were a 15-year-old girl, a 9 or 10 year-old boy, and a very cute and chubby toddler. My dd looked my age--I remember noticing that her wrinkles had miraculously filled out, her makeup was not so heavy, and she seemed relaxed. We talked about kids and how they change things, all the while putting together some kind of large potluck. It was really the most pleasant time I've ever had with her (which is to say, I didn't have too many, though I learned much from her...)

More happened that I can't recall--though I do remember being amazed by her daughter's curiousity and erudition--but then the scene sort of shifted and she and her partner were sitting above me, outside, on a very steep hill. Some distance behind them was a house and I was determined to reach it and leave a light on in it--"for Jesus," someone said, and I seemed to agree, though I'm not entirely sure what the idea was. DD and partner went back & forth for a bit about whether the story about the light in the house was from Baruch or Ruth--I was sure it was neither, but was too busy trying to climb the soft hill with a platter of food in my hands. Finally I put the food down and tried to push myself up with my arms--but I awoke before I could make any progress.

Hmm, obvious? To me it seems so. I have always felt inferior to my dd, who was brilliant and chic and never out of control, while I was big and blousy (pregnant, even) and nowhere near brilliant enough. So I figured out a way in which we could be somewhat equal--as parents--and then somehow she was between me and some spiritual goal, a goal she didn't really understand but could still keep me from.

I'm glad I woke up.