the first date

I think I was sixteen when I had my first date. I was a (too young) high school senior, and he was a too-old one. He had a deep voice and dark eyes and I didn't really like how he kissed, but I didn't really know there was any other way. That took a while. And we didn't date for very long. Really, I just went out with him because I was flattered he asked. And, after all, I was a senior in high school and had never gone out on a date! So, you know, I had to. But it didn't add up to much.

Mariah is thirteen. She had her first date on Saturday, with a fifteen year old boy she met at camp. He seemed sweet when I met him the day I picked her up, but how much can you tell in a few minutes? He lives an hour away, and when he "asked her out" over IM, Mariah asked me permission to go out with him. "Where?" I said. "Oh, nowhere, you know, just go out." I said yes, and she said I rocked. That was the easy part.

Then he asked her out on a real date. This took a little doing, as neither of them drives and a two hour round trip to sit around while teenagers go to the movies wasn't my idea of a fun Saturday. But they persisted, and made a plan that worked.

He came to pick her up around 11:30 Saturday morning. As he stood on the doorstep I realized I'd had entirely the wrong picture of him in my head: he was skinnier, shyer, than I'd been picturing. He thrust an envelope at me. His mom said, "He wrote you a letter." I left them sitting on the couch while I got Mariah out of her room.

His mom said, "I left my other two sitting in the car, so..." and they were off. The letter was an itinerary, with a sweet note thanking me for letting him take her to the movies. He included a synopsis of the movie (off of imdb, maybe?), and exact times for lunch, the movie, and the return home. I almost cried when I read it--it seemed so sweet, so caring. I thought I'd done the right thing letting her go off with these strangers.

She got back just when he'd said she would. They parted on the doorstep--was there a quick kiss? I didn't see, didn't ask. But she looked sad when she came in. I asked how things had gone.

"I don't know, ok I guess." But she was still sad, so I pressed a little. And then it came out. "He didn't talk to me the whole time!" she moaned. She could list all the inconsequential words they'd exchanged--over the movie, over a song on the radio. "And then he fell asleep in the car on the way home!" She was really in tears now and I moved over on the couch to hug her--a bit awkwardly. She's a big girl, almost my size now, and she's not so huggy as she used to be. But she put her head on my shoulder and sniffled a bit more. We talked about what might have happened--maybe he was shy in front of his mom and siblings in the car, maybe it felt awkward because they had really spent more time IMing than talking, maybe, maybe.

"Maybe he doesn't really like me that way," she said. "And the thing is, maybe I don't like him that way either. I just want to be friends again!"

I suggested that maybe they could. "But if I say that to him, it really means I'm breaking up with him! And I don't want to hurt his feelings."

And so it starts. After a while she looked at me and said, "I'm just really confused and disappointed." And I had to say it. "Welcome to the dating world, sweetie. There will be plenty more confusion and disappointment before it's over."

The advantage, we both agree, is that since he lives 50 miles away they don't have to run into each other every day and maybe they can work things out on their own. The disadvantage is, of course, that since he lives 50 miles away they can't run into each other every day and work it out together.

All her friends who've had one say their first dates sucked, too. And maybe that's the biggest consolation.